This lady is bat shit crazy.

I work at a cafe inside of a gym and there are a lot of crazies that come into the gym in general but there is one lady that is completely off her rocker. Unfortunately this lady WORKS at the gym at the front counter and her shift overlaps mine each morning.
I should preface this with the fact that the layout of the gym is super odd. Essentially where I stand and my counter faces the front counter of the gym. So although we are about 50 feet apart we are almost facing one another at all times. Which is odd in itself because we are just facing catching one anothers glare all morning. Thank goodness the other day I moved a clothes rack over a bit so it is right in between us. Helping me from exploding from ultimate frustration.
At first I just thought she was a friendly older lady, she would come over to my area after going to the bathroom and say things like
"Yeah thursdays are always slow" and I would be like "Yeah"
I only started to realize her weirdness in the last month or so when she still says the EXACT SAME SHIT TO ME every morning, and I have been working here for 4 months.
We will bypass the fact that I just noticed and that it took me 2-3 months to do so.
They consist of the three following phrases...

"I would watch out in the bathroom, looks like you are running low on TP, there is more TP right under your storage cabinets" .. I know... they are my fucking storage cabinets.

"Thursdays are really slow"
Yes lady, I know Thursdays are slow.

and the always and forever famous
"What are the specials today?"
This one is particularly funny because it varies each day depending on the special.....
"Is the special banana bread?"
"Yup.. thats the sign I put up this morning" WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME STUPID QUESTIONS?

Or my favorite from the other day...
"I brought over the Salad special sign"
"Okay"
"So you can put up a new one now.. Salad seemed like a special that would be good for Sunday and now it's Monday so..."

So.... You thought you would take it down because people don't like salads on Mondays?
I am confused.


This morning she comes over (at 7 am) and says, "pretty slow over here this morning huh?"
(this is what I say in my head... IT'S ALWAYS SLOW OVER HERE! In fact it has never been "fast" or "busy" or whatever. This "slowness" is no different than any other time I work here whether it be at noon or 8pm. Leave me alone lady I have not had my caffeine kick in yet and if you would like to make conversation with me think of SOMETHING ELSE TO SAY!)
but what I really say is...
"Well yeah, it's still pretty early..."
"Well a lot of people aren't coming in as early... all the teachers aren't coming in before they teach now they are sleeping in a bit and coming in around 9."

I am so fucking confused... Like we have a gym just for teachers? Like the amount of teachers that come to this gym drastically changes the business for me over at the cafe? p.s. it isn't summer break for them yet.

The other day this lady decides it is her DUTY to warn everyone that they were spraying pesticides outside. So all these people that wake up at the buttcrack of dawn to work out are leaving to go to work at 6:30AM and this lady is yelling at them as they walk out the door..

"DID YOU PARK UNDER A TREE?!?!?"
"What?"
"Did you park under a tree?"
Now the person that was 1/2 way out the door is turning around thinking what is this bat shit crazy lady talking about?
"Well they sprayed pesticides on the trees I wanted to make sure you weren't parked under a tree.."

Really? What the fuck are they gonna do about it now??
Are you going to go and wash off their car if it has been hit with some stray pesticides?
Will this person even fucking care??

So I sit at work for about an hour watching her catch people when they are 1/2 way out the door..
Did you park under a tree!?!?!

I can't yet decide if she is a form of entertainment or if she is maddening or both. I think both.

At least writing about her made me waste an hour of work...

religious paraphernalia

Spitting on birds

So this is something I wrote at the end of April, about a month ago and then got too lazy to post/edit it. So that's why it talks about being April, even though it is, in fact, May.

4/20 day of crazy surprises and awesomeness

Oh my god! I just spit on a bird. NOT ON PURPOSE! It was amazing. I still feel giddy I have like 1,000 butterflies in my stomach!

Okay so I am taking Radley out to pee and I am standing all grumpy with my arms crossed because its cold and its April and April+Colorado USUALLY = WARM AND SUNNY but today it doesn’t and I looked up the weather and it’s supposed to be shitty all week …

In Colorado shitty means 30% chance of rain and 50-58 degrees all week till SUNDAY and it’s TUESDAY. I can’t handle this many shitty days in a row... but then! All of a sudden in my grumpy arm crossing stance I spit

And HOLY SHIT

A bird swoops by right in front of me, and my huge wad of spit just happens to land on the bird. At this point for some reason I feel a sense of weightlessness. (Maybe because of the extra amount of weight i put onto the bird?)   

I mean that HAS to fuck with his flying skills for a second.  Imagine you are flying around and someone drops a big casserole on top of you.. a big 9x11 inch pan of lasagna. I'm not sure why lasagna but i feel this would be an equivalent amount of weight ratio wise. All of a sudden you would be like... FUCK! Why all of a sudden am i flying out of control and veering towards the ground in almost absolute death.... you would have to be pumping super hard to keep your height above the ground (unless you happen to be a bird that's big on weight lifting, workin on flying with weights to be the fastest and best flying bird out there. I think that's the kind of bird I would be. If I had been that bird and someone spit on me I would be like "YES! all my hard work and training has paid off for this one day, when I got spit on and I raged that extra weight, I was like FUCK YOU SPIT I fly where I want!" (Yikes, I sound like a roided out bird.)   Anyways the bird I spit must have been a weight lifter because he/she didn't wipe out (unfortunately.. that would have been HILARIOUS.) but dipped down a little and then quickly recovered. Very anticlimactic.

Now you all may be thinking…there’s no way she actually spit on a flying bird! But I assure you! I DID! I even searched around the ground for my spit for like 20 minutes trying to find it because I couldn’t believe it myself but I DID!

So anyways I feel like I am pretty much a natural wonder. This is one of those things that only happens like once a lifetime, if you are lucky. No biggie I'm basically like the eighth wonder of the world (see below)...

Click to enlarge!

UPDATE ON LISA FRANK

Shit is getting confusing.
I mean super serious confusing.
First I cannot stop calling Lisa Frank; Ann Frank.
This may make me seem like an ignorant ass hole but I swear to god I am not, at the sake of wanting to keep being the funny person you guys go to for your laughs I will not tell you how passionately I feel about genocide awareness but I still cannot stop thinking of the name Anne Frank first when I try to remember who made those super crazy awesome stickers! At least my history class did a good job ingraining that name into my head. Yeah public schools.
SECOND I got Lisa Frank and Paul Frank confused.
Both make stickers, binders, notebooks, sweatshirts, t-shirts and overall silly designs but I regret to inform you that Lisa Frank did NOT make silly monkeys... PAUL Frank did. Her asshole brother.

Paul is Lisa's twin brother. When Paul and Lisa were growing up they made all types of stickers together.They were all very fun stickers and all the kids in the neighborhood wanted to be just like Paul and Lisa. Little did Paul and Lisa know but they were like the two boys on the Lost Island. One was evil (Paul) and one was good (Lisa)  Paul made fun stickers like you see here...




Lisa was tortured. She was truly the creative genius of the two but could not get past her own insanity.  She was expected to really go places as the good daughter but could not look past her brothers creepy animal faces judging her.

Paul started to steal ideas from Lisa. She started to accuse him of this and was sent to a therapist (because their mom loved the evil child better, just like LOST!) and as I told you before this therapist was in on Paul's plan to make rich off of her insane stickers. (See post below called STICKERS! if you have no idea what I'm talking about.)
His monkeys were dwindling in popularity and he needed a boost in sales...
alas his scheming was all for naught... Lisa's therapist, though another exploiter of her creative arts, was also deeply in love with her and would not give Paul her drawings. Therefore he still comes out with monkey drawings whilst trying to copy some of Lisa's core ideas...

Paul, you really think this....

is as good as this?.....

I mean....
THIS.....

Yeah. Didn't think so.

Great Donut Debacle

More Angry Objects

 

Summer Feet

As a kid I always used to pride myself in having the toughest callouses on my feet. I would brag to kids in my neighborhood. 'I can walk on ANYTHING.' My brother and I used to challenge one another to walk up and down my next door neighbors drive way. This driveway wasn't like everyone elses... It was all sharp white rock with jagged pointy edges everywhere. And I was the effing master. I used a mix between conscious light stepping and my suburbly weathered feet to walk up and down the drive every day of summer. I would walk to and from the park barefoot, to and from the center, anything and everything to prepare myself for the barefoot challenges of summer. I would be proud of my hard blackened feet after a day of running around on black concrete and dirt in the park.
One summer I was determined to get my summer feet early so that I could challenge my brother and neighbor to a contest early and win handily.  I remember setting off on my journey on a weekend before school had officially ended and told myself... you will walk on this pavement all the way to Braeburn and back and no matter how hot it is or how much your feet hurt... you will not stop. Braeburn was my elementary school and was a little less than a mile away. After I was about 1/2 way there I realized the sun was really heating up the black pavement. Like... it felt like I was walking on hot coals.
I jumped up on the curb which was some kind of white rock. (We won't take the time to go into why the curbs in my hometown were made of some kind of expensive white granite-like rock, but I will segment off for a moment and mention I hit those curbs 3 times while driving and all 3 times within 5 seconds my tire was completely flat...
You may be thinking, wow this girl can't drive.. well that's just being judgmental...I may be a little bit spacey but was it my fault for hitting the curb? No. It was my cities fault for spending money on rich curbs that I can't bump up against innocently like EVERY OTHER PLACE in the the world... Assholes.)
Anyways I told myself I could take a 10 second break ONLY if I balanced on the white curbs (which were also hot but not quite as scalding in temperature as the road.) After making my way to Braeburn I stood in the creek convincing myself that I was walking on the pebbles for further strengthening... NOT because my feet were on fire. 
The walk back was a battle with myself, but I won, kinda. I made it the whole way home with minimal balancing on curbs and mostly walking on the road.
I decided to end the walk to my house by taking on the rock driveway to see my progression.
It was painful
It was beyond painful.
I had never felt pain like this, not even in the very beginnings of spring when my pads had months of winter to become soft and sensitive.
I decided I would come back tomorrow and try it out again but I woke up in pain.
Because of my undying dedication to summer feet I had given myself second degree burns on the bottoms of my feet. I spent the next few weeks regressing as my feet shed layers and I lost my claim on toughest feet in the neighborhood.
It was a rough summer and I had to find other things to be the best at... racing car-ish things that I made out of a super sized erector set..

Getting the highest double bounce from the sprinkler under the trampoline...

Making extensive tree forts that I would try to sleep in overnight...

(fine... a tree fort was just some blankets tied around a tree branch)

  All of these things were equally rewarding and made me feel like a productive child all summer long, but none were quite as fulfilling as winning the challenge for the toughest summer feet.

Angry bubbles

Today during my painting final we were talking about a piece of art. We were chatting about the juxtaposing ideas and images of nature and things man made. About whether it was a statement about the subject or maybe a reflection of the world when all of a sudden we ask... What is in the air behind these images? The artist responds… “bubbles” so we start talking about bubbles and how bubbles can’t really be angry, they are happy and innocent so it can’t be a depressing piece can it?
So this got me thinking about making angry bubble people… and so I did.

And then I was like.. what other objects are all nice and cute? a tulip!

Whoa, that's an angry spoon. That was crossing the line huh? All in the name of comedic value!

The damn dentist

There was once a time when my teeth were invincible.

As a child I rarely brushed, by rarely I mean MAYBE once per day, if I was lucky. I would often go a few days without brushing at all, just wiping my teeth with the inside of my shirt if they felt dirty. These habits were just reinforced by my dentist office visits. The dentists would say... “My! What beautiful teeth you have!” They would floss and ask me if I was flossing regularly, with a mouth full of blood I would say… “Well, not EVERY night…” I would walk away every 6 months with squeaky clean teeth and no cavities. This wreckless way of life continued all throughout high school.

Before I go any further I think I should be honest and let everyone know that I am absolutely addicted to candy and sweets. Not even a little bit. I fucking LOVE them. My mother gives me a big bag of starburst jellybeans every year for Easter and if it lasts for more than a day I am impressed.  That is 275 grams of sugar…all in a day.  I am equally addicted to Raisinets (really anything chocolate) Charleston Chews, and almost all types of ice cream but give me a pint of Cherry Garcia and it’s gone within an hour. It's my biggest weakness, I don't even try to deny it. I need some kind of dessert after every meal. I have convinced myself that this is normal so at this point a few mini Milky Ways after lunch is very normal.  

So now that you have a good idea of the main part of my diet I want to continue telling you about the dentists. I went to the dentist for about 3 of my 5 years of college. I evetually stopped going because I kept walking out of there without cavities and decided it was a waste of my time... and I had better things to do.  My teeth brushing habits stayed about the same as they had my whole life… once a day if I was lucky, maybe flossing once a month when I was feeling really ambitious. After graduating I got a real life job and health insurance but still stayed away from the dentist. After 2 years of shitty ‘real life job’ I decided I was going to quit and I better take advantage of all the health insurance I had been paying for… So I went to the dentist.

I get there and she starts looking at my teeth.., asking questions about my flossing regiment. I tell her... I floss here and there.  I am so fucking cocky, laughing and joking with the lady dentist. I don't even think about the way she is looking at me while I am joking around. She is looking into my mouth like she is ... frightened. I mean I expect her to tell me; “Yeah I can tell because they are bleeding.” Or something like that but instead she says… Yeah I can tell….. Youuuu’ve got some cavities. “

“Really? I have never had any!  How many!?”
I almost say it all excited like.. Sweet!!! I have always WANTED one of those!!! ALl my friends had them and I was always feeling left out!

She pauses… for a long time… I am expecting a one, or even a 2 at this point , she finally responds… “About Fifteen, but there are multiple cavities on the surfaces of your teeth.” 

So technically more than 15...

Holy shit I am in shock. 

Once the shock wears off and I have made my two appointments for my fillings I start to get angry.
...Fuck my dentist, that asshole… Why didn’t he tell me the most common place to get cavities was in between your teeth!? I hate him! It wasn’t my parents fault…I lied to them! My poor innocent parents! I told them I brushed, and flossed. The dentist could clearly see that I had not been flossing! It's his responsibility to call children out on this shit!  But instead of telling me... hey you are going to get tons of cavities in between your teeth if you don’t floss he said… “Well it’s very important.” Important?! THat means nothing to a child. You know what was important to me as a child? My troll amusement park I made in my attic out of old cartons of milk. THAT SHIT was important.

So BECAUSE I never had a cavity before I didn't know the implied time and pain...I was overly ambitious and scheduled to take care of all 15 cavities in 2 days. The first day was.. in a word… hellish. 6 hours of my mouth pryed open with metal and plastic... wide awake listening to them drill. Talking with one another saying things like... "uh oh" and "look at this one"

I AM RIGHT HERE!!!! I CAN HEAR YOU I CAN”T TALK BECAUSE OF ALL THIS SHIT IN MY MOUTH BUT I STILL HAVE EARS!!!

Day 2 is equally hellish-  this time it only takes 5 hours but they put in the wrong novicane...
 Twice..
 The kind that wears off in 10 minutes… why the fuck would they even have this type of novicane handy for a person who is getting the remaining 7 cavities filled all at once!?!?!?! 

Alas I am no longer the non-brusher that has no cavities.  I no longer act like a caveman wiping my teeth on fabric as a substitute to brushing. I floss almost every day like normal people and even rinse out my mouth with mouthwash sometimes. It sucks and it’s time consuming and I hate it.

The worst is that I feel bad eating candy. Well I started off feeling bad, like morally, but I got over it (My love for candy is stronger than morals or dentist bills.) But now my teeth actually hurt. Like every time I eat some kind of candy my teeth start getting angry with me. They are trying to punish me for not being strong enough to turn down the sugar. Their yelling feels like nagging pain. My teeth are like little siblings that are too young for me to bond with yet. Come play TAGGGG WITH MEEEE, come play HOOUUUSEEE with me, when all I want to do is sit on my ass.

Anyways there is no fucking WAY I am going back to the dentist, plus I don’t have dental insurance.  So even though that whole experience totally blew and now I will forever be scared when I eat candy (but not scared enough to stop) the whole thing was very eye opening.  I am still convinced that either I need bionic teeth or one day I will not even be able to eat the most simplest of sugars like jam on toast, but at least I had insurance! 250 bucks for 15 cavities. Boo yah.

STICKERS!

5/3 Today I was thinking about stickers and how cool they used to be. I mean I don’t know if kids still collect stickers but I used to have these super cool stickers that said things like NEAT! and Neato! They looked like this…

It’s a little bit silly that the word ‘neat’ used to be so cool that they made stickers about it. I think the equivalent of that sticker now would be something like this…





Dude how rich do you think Lisa Frank is? Those stickers used to be so damn cool! Like if you had Lisa Frank monkey stickers you were hip. If you had a sticker of a dolphin jumping over a multicolored beach ball with a rainbow sunset in the background no one could touch your coolness. This is a real Lisa Frank sticker. Like honestly really a sticker that I probably would have had on my trapper keeper in 5th grade....

I mean you can't really top a sticker of an ice cream sundae, with sprinkles and banana's and whip cream and chocolate, floating in space near the stars! With it's own rings! Like a fucking Planet! AND there are things in it's orbit! A purple tire, a candy corn a pink gumdrop that kinda looks like a fingernail and a rainbow heart! Which also has its own rings and things orbiting it as well. I mean this sticker is fucking genius! It's a candy rainbow wonderland! I bet in real life Lisa Frank is fucking CRAZY and she is like this hermit lady that thinks that shes living on planet rainbow sundae and all the pictures and stickers she drew to prove to everyone that this world that she thinks she lives in really exists but her psychologists totally stole them and turned them into stickers and named them after her because he felt bad about exploiting her but not really that bad because he still collects all the royalties to her stickers stationary and binders.
Poor Lisa Frank.


Back to stickers equivalent to now...after thinking about it, THIS is a more appropriate sticker sheet for the new generation of young teens...

Oh internet slang how I fucking loathe you.

Now that I'm pretty sure Lisa Frank somehow found out about her psychologist stealing her shit and making money off of her so she totally started to make these crappy sparkly little girls on stickers just so she could fuck him over. We need someone to take over her legacy! And really widen the target market. I think we could get college kids to love stickers if we just use totally hip imagery.  All we need is neon owls or birds or birds nests. or we can target super hip kids, take that Lisa Frank money sticker and throw a big pair of hip hop head phones on him. Too easy....

Enormous storm drains and more!

Last night I had this crazy dream... I was at a party and I had never really drank before. (I am going to bypass the hilarity of this first sentence because there is so much more to the dream and I felt like I had to properly set the scene… so in this alternate universe I am a straight edge 25 year old who has never drank… let us continue...) The first scene of my dream was me telling a story to some drunk people (also for some reason I am telling a story and people are laying down and resting their heads on my lap, but we will also just bypass this part as well because it's weird.)
So anyways all of a sudden... the cops arrive. Instead of everyone running out the back door or staying quiet in the house this became a life of death situation. It became a life or death situation, either we all run for our fucking lives or we are all going to jail, or getting murdered...So I am running down the street and it’s a mad frenzy outside people running left and right and I see a drain thingy (storm drain?) on the side of the road….

Interjection…Here in Colorado I do not know what storm drains look like, I have never really paid attention but in CT I swear my friend got stuck in one when there was a flood. Or else that was a weird dream I once had, or it was a movie...

Anyways the drain cellar things in CT are freaking huge and that’s the kind that I jumped into in my dream.

I peeked out of the inside of the drain as I watched people run around like chickens with their heads cut off screaming (?) this question mark means… why were they screaming???

This bust was so intense it turned into an apocalypse!

Anyways! I am watching this happen for about ten minutes when I hear a voice appear behind me… WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE??? I turn around and apparently there are a bunch of sheets hanging and a homeless man lives within them and is angry with me that I am hiding out in his home.

How I missed this whole underground palace of white sheets with a crazy, angry homeless man is beyond me but I did and so now I’m stuck in this dungy old drain cellar with a crazy old man who is angry at me… in my dream this is decidedly more dangerous than the outside apocalypse that is happening so I run outside and ALL OF A SUDDEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Radley pukes on my hand. In real life. Not in the dream.

Sometimes I think Radley should be on that show.. Kids do the darndest things… except for puppies. Like… Puppies do the darndest things… then have video of Radley doing the silly things he does like.. puke on my arm, or diarrhea all over the floor in the middle of our puppy kindergarten class.

The the camera will pan up to Brett and I looking at Rad, and then down to him helplessly looking at us as he squats… then the camera pans to all of the people who bring their dogs there to be show dogs…

“eww, our dog doesn’t have uncontrollable diarrhea”

“He’ll never be a show dog”

Good, in fact I don’t want him to be a show dog I just want him to continue being socially awkward. Because he’s good at it and I think it’s his true passion in life (not to walk around and have his balls cupped by a judge (does that even happen???))